Going through different stages in our kids’ development brings unique experiences and feelings sometimes is about frustration, sadness, uncertainty, fear, hope, joy or fulfillment, but that is what makes life worth living. When Gabriel became a senior in high school it was time to start planning his higher education, visiting schools,filling applications, taking SATs, writing essays. Today I would like to share his college essay. He had help from a friend writing it but believe me it is his heart speaking through it.
Growing with learning disabilities
I remember when I was little about 5 years old and my mom was teaching me how to read for the first time. It was a beautiful sunny day with not a cloud in place in the Puerto Rico sky. She and I sat on our blue couch in our living room reading my first book. My mother tried to teach me what the words and letters meant and what they sounded like but for me it was very difficult to understand. I had a little sister who was three years old and she was reading quite well for her it was a simple concept to understand, to me reading looked like a bottomless well filled with rage. I felt like I was dumb because I couldn’t read while everybody else read like it was a piece of candy left up for grabs in a bowl. This affected my attitude against my family because every time I got home from school; I was angry for being that one kid who couldn’t read as well as the rest of the class. That anger led to many consequences and arguments between me and my parents.
Have you ever felt your stomach turn upside down because you were nervous or frustrated? That is how I used to feel each time I would try to read. I’ll never forget the first time I tried to read a book in front of my peers. Those same feelings of unease roared back into my belly followed by the feeling of being defeated before I’d even begun. When most people open a book the words and letters stay in a fixed position, but when I read a book something magical happens and words and letters shift and slide, taking on distortions and improper patterns. Dyslexia is a learning difficulty in which a person struggles with reading and interpreting words, letters, and symbols. I am dyslexic, but that isn’t the only barrier I’ve had to overcome to be successful.
You see I don’t just have dyslexia because that would be too easy right? I also have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), which is characterized as a chronic condition that involves decreased the ability to pay attention, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness. This translated into teachers and students attributing a lack of intelligence to me, thinking I was dumb or unproductive when in actuality I was lost. When called upon to answer a question the seconds would warp into minutes, and while it would appear to anyone on the outside that I wasn’t paying attention, in fact, I was just processing the information in a different way at a different speed.
This pattern quickly turned into a fear, a fear that was all consuming. How could one make it all the way through school and struggle with reading? It was almost as a shadow enveloped my world, turning it dark with judgment from my peers. I could feel their eyes piercing my skin, as I struggled through. All I could think was that the other kids read so much faster than I did. There would even be times when the teacher would interrupt me for taking too long, and while her words were kind the intention never felt that way to me.
Initially, my mother didn’t even have the tools necessary to understand my disability. She had feelings of hopelessness as she tried desperately to figure out a way to help me, but I was one step ahead and on the path toward self-sufficiency and helping myself. I decided that I would start small and practice reading whenever I could. Each day my eyes would seek new terrain: cereal boxes, postcards, and eventually comics. I continued my practice, strengthening my skills and confidence at the same time. My parents also helped by providing access to therapists. They worked diligently with us to ensure that I had a variety of techniques that could be used in times of frustration, anguish or anxiety. Additionally, they were able to provide my family with the additional support needed to help me succeed.
This years-long struggle taught me many valuable lessons. The first is that hard work and a positive attitude will always help you reach your goals. If I would have given up and given in I wouldn’t have made it this far. People have so many mischaracterizations and misconceptions about what a disability is. The term is so broad, and the specifics are individualized in nature. It means that each disabled person, just like each able person, is unique with their own special set of challenges. When you think of it like this, the differences seem to melt away. That is the mindset I’ve taken and helped others around me to adopt. Peers who have become friends have been exposed to my struggles, and in speaking with them and educating them on living with a disability we have developed stronger bonds and better friendships. There is a level of compassion that comes into play, and in these times, compassion is a welcome respite from the negativity in the world.
I’ve learned to hold onto a mantra to keep myself grounded. Whenever I feel down, I tell myself that I am a smart and good person. When people made faulty assumptions about my abilities, I proved them wrong by getting good grades and showing them, nothing would stop me from being a successful student in the class – not dyslexia or ADHD. As time went on, I became better and better at paying attention in class, and eventually, I found myself volunteering to read. I found the courage to step out on a ledge knowing that I wouldn’t fall. The result is that for the first time I felt successful for overcoming all of these difficulties that were previously paralyzing. Now for me, reading is not a fear but a reminder of one of the hardest battles I’ve ever fought in life, and now every time my eyes discover letters forming words, I feel pride and delight.
